Do You Know Who You Are: Just Who Do You Know Yourself To Be?

Just who do you know yourself to be?

Do you know who you are…who you really are?

More than ever before women are encouraged to step up, lean in, speak up. We know it’s vital that the feminine voice is heard – and we are using our voices more and more. But, let’s face it, we still need help with confidence. The women I coach, the attendees at my workshops, when I ask, what would I be surprised to know about you?

They answer "I lack confidence". It's not surprising when we remember we just got the right to vote 100 years ago. It was only in the 1960s that women began to enter the workplace in significant numbers. We have been finding our way in a (formerly and - currently for many) male-dominated world. We need confidence in ourselves so we can speak up and share our wisdom.

So much has been written about how to be more confident. It’s all useful. But much of it is what we try to stick onto the outside of a person, like a 3M sticky note, hoping it won’t flutter off.

“You can do this.” “You’ve got this.” “You’re amazing.” All that is good to hear, but lasting confidence attaches from within – where it can’t peel off. How to do this?

Look At Confidence From Another Angle

What if I told you that you can come at this confidence thing from another angle, the identity angle… what if it’s about seeing yourself through a different lens. What if it's about knowing who you really are?

Think about the stories of women's transformation that we love to watch and read – starting with the well-known story of Dorothy Gale who goes on her identity search to Oz. They are all about discovering the heroine’s true identity.

Often the character at the beginning of the story doesn’t know how smart, how powerful she is. She can appear weak, a victim, a follower, passive. It's their experience on their journey that reveals their strength and true identity to them.

The Identity Quest

The identity quest – it’s been around forever and it’s our job, really – to discover our true self and not just accept how others see us, or what category we’ve been plugged into as who we are. Life teaches us our true identity, but can we help life along? I believe so.

I tell the women I coach that they’re amazing; they’re smart; they matter; (because it’s all true. I can see it clearly – often they can’t.) but most importantly I affirm who they already ARE. I tell women, they are already what they are seeking. It’s as inside of them as the great oak is already inside the tiny acorn.

By the very nature of who they are and the life they are living, they already are powerful – they just don't know it. They are part of a narrative explaining that power and how it's acquired, that has been told and told and told for centuries. Our problem is we don't know the narrative and how it's OUR narrative.

This is why I’m obsessed with teaching every woman about The Heroine’s Journey. If you know what it is then you know you’re a part of an epic and ancient storyline that makes you – a Heroine, the equivalent of all those heroines that you've read about and watch on film – now, that IS amazing! I believe storytellers have told it all these years because it does teach us about our potential. It is a handbook for life.

Just who do you know yourself to be?

The journey of the heroine pattern/archetype/plot appears throughout literature and film and it begins with a woman not knowing what she’s got as far as capability and potential. She doesn’t know how powerful she is. Then, through what happens to her – on the journey – she
discovers, “Wow, I’m somebody! I can do this! I am a badass!” Or, as I would say, a heroine!

How many leading ladies in film and protagonists in books start out thinking they are ordinary, or even less-than, and by the end of the story – because of their adventures, they are extraordinary?

Think of:

  • Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games
  • Andrea in The Devil Wears Prada
  • Merida in Brave
  • Leigh Anne Tuohy in The Blind Side
  • Maggie in Million Dollar Baby
  • Diana in Wonder Woman
  • Rey in The Last Jedi
  • Ellen Ripley in Aliens
  • Khaleesi in Game of Thrones

And this is just a shortlist. You could give me more. Please do – your favorites! All these characters started out small, ordinary (yes, even Diana – she doesn’t know her power at the beginning)…then life tests them and they acquire strength, courage, all that it takes to transform into their bigger selves – giving them the ability to do great things.

I know what you’re thinking. “Susanna, that’s just in the movies or in books..” But here’s the most important thing! This doesn’t just happen in books – but with real people too!! Real people, real heroines – just like you. That’s why we love these types of stories – they hold a
promise for us as well. Hmmm, maybe there’s more to me than I realize.

Consider your inherent heroineism, Heroine. It’s there within you. It’s just waiting to be set on fire. No, you might not need to ride a dragon or fight an alien or even have to confront the editor of a top fashion magazine empire but you are on the same path as these fictional
women. All it takes to launch yourself into your transformation is to have the courage to accept your call.

It helps to train, though, doesn't it? How to encourage our courage and self-esteem? What's some practical advice to help? So much has been written about how to be more confident. I am a big fan of The Confidence Code by Kattie Kay and Claire Shipman. What’s the gist of their valuable advice? Think less, take action, be authentic.

I summarized the book for my coaching clients capturing the points that were the major takeaways. (Though I highly encourage you to read the whole book which is full of great examples, great wisdom.)

It's A Choice You Make

  • "Our biggest and perhaps most encouraging discovery has been that confidence is something we can, to a significant extent, control. We can all make a decision, at any point in our lives, to create more of it, as Senator Gillibrand did.
  • When we say confidence is a choice, we mean it’s a choice we can make to act, or to do, or to decide.”
  • “What held them back was the choice they made not to try.”

Take Action

  • “… what we need to do is start acting and risking and failing, and stop mumbling and apologizing and prevaricating….". "if we don’t take risks, we’ll never reach the next level.”
  • “Confidence is the purity of action produced by a mind free of doubt.”
  • “Confidence…involves action.” – p 45
  • Richard Petty, psychologist, Ohio State U. “Confidence is the stuff that turns thoughts into action.”
  • The natural result of under-confidence is inaction. “When women don’t act, when we hesitate because we aren't sure, even by skipping a few questions, we hold ourselves back. It matters." – Zach Estes study, University of Milan p 51
  • Confidence is life’s enabler. “We are all capable of imagining how great it would be to…..but how many of us actually do it?”
  • “Confidence, ultimately, is the characteristic that distinguishes those who imagine from those who do.”
  • “Action, we reasoned, is something we are all free to choose. Might it be that acquisition of confidence is basically our choice?”
  • Confidence is about action.
  • Leave the comfort zone.
  • “If you only remember one thing from this book, let it be this, When in doubt, act.” – page 141
  • Action separates the timid from the bold.
  • What you pass on to your daughters and to other women as well…Give them the nudge: “rather than repeatedly telling your friend she’s great, try encouraging her to take action instead. Often, it takes just one suggestion – one comment from a friend or coworker. “You should consider that city council seat.”…"You should go for it." We can help each other most by giving each other permission to act. One little nudge might be all we need.”
  • If action involves something scary – courage might be needed.

Make Decisions

Major General Jessica Wright, Undersecretary of Defense for Personnel and Readiness.. "She told us good leadership means being an efficient decision-maker.”

Stand Up For Yourself

"Stand up for yourself"…Major General Wright

Say “NO!” To Perfection

The pursuit of perfection – the most crippling thing women do to themselves to undermine their confidence. “If perfection is your standard, of course you will never be fully confident, because the bar is always impossibly high, and you will inevitably and routinely feel inadequate.” Perfection keeps us from action.

Accept Praise

  • “For most of us, being self-deprecating seems far more appealing than boasting…Even if we're simply trying to downplay achievements in front of others, we are essentially telling
    ourselves a damaging story - that we don't really deserve our accomplishments. That affects not only how we see ourselves, but also how others see us. Remember, our bosses want winners working for them…keep it simple if you must. When praised, reply, ‘Thank you. I appreciate that.’ Use it. It’s surprising how odd, and how powerful, saying those five words will feel.”
  • “Thank you. I appreciate that.”

Limit Negative Thinking

  • Don’t ruminate – rewire!
  • Kill your NATs – negative automatic thoughts

It's Okay To Fail

  • Page 136 – Gillibrand, the menu: took risks, was persistent, worked hard, failed.
  • Fail fast –“These days, the world won’t wait for perfection, and spending the time endlessly refining your product is just too expensive. Failing fast allows for constant adjustment, testing, and then quick movement toward what will actually work. The beauty is that when you fail fast, or early, you have a lot less to lose. Usually, you are failing small, rather than spectacularly. And you have a lot to gain from learning as you fail."

Men & Women Have Different Models

Confidence in women often looks different than it does in men.” – p 193

The prevailing model: “a commanding (most likely) male figure showboating, acting like a decider, and asserting his authority over others.” “Male workplace bravado – perhaps testosterone-fueled and Mad Men-inspired – is still the gold standard. It is currently the only
standard."

  • The drive to win no matter the cost.
  • The boundless craving for risk.
  • The propensity for quick decisions.
  • The emphasis on high-decibel and high-energy interaction.

“Professional success demands political savvy, a certain amount of scheming and jockeying, a flair for self-promotion and not letting a no stop you. Women often aren’t very comfortable with that. Perhaps, deep down, we don’t really approve of these tactics.”

"Sometimes they work. But they’re not the definition of confidence.”

What might our (female) brand of confidence look like?

  • We don't always have to speak first, we can listen and incorporate what others say, and perhaps even rely on colleagues to help make our point.
  • Passing credit around is good thing.
  • We can avoid alienating potential enemies.
  • We'll speak calmly but carry a smart message – one that will be heard.
  • Confidence, for many of us, can even be quiet even allows for displays of vulnerability and the questions of our decisions (not dwelling on insecurities and basking in self-doubt).

Be Yourself

  • The art of confidence is how we each “create a confident interaction with the world that
    builds on who we are as women and as individuals” – p200
  • Authenticity. “That’s what we’re driving at here. It was the last part of the code to come to us, but it may be the linchpin. When confidence emanates from our core, we are at our most powerful.” – Dare the difference. Christine Lagarde
  • "Dare the difference, make it your selling point. Don’t try to measure yourself, your performance, your popularity, against the standards and the yardsticks and the measurements that men have used before you. Because you start from a different perspective, you have a different platform, you want to push different initiatives, and you should be authentic about it.”
  • We need to start trusting our gut.
  • Different styles of confidence in women – “mainly, these women just seemed comfortable
    with themselves”

Think Less. Take Action. Be Authentic.

Be yourself, Heroines. Own your own heroine story. Know that the power (to transform, to become who you want to be, to meet your goals, to be successful) is already in you. You are powerful. You just have to bring it out. BELIEVE that you have it.

And here's the best part, if you make a habit of leaving your comfort zone (yes, that's a prerequisite – you have to periodically move out of your known into the unknown), the adventures you experience on the journey will bring your greatness out for you. It will happen. It’s your destiny! You’re like that acorn. You can’t lose. Plain and simple, you are a Heroine.

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